Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

Wasn’t hitting bottom the thing you had to do to knock some sense into yourself? Wasn’t hitting bottom the thing that showed you which way was up?

Backward we are naturally to all good things, and it is a lesson of grace to learn to go forward in the ways of God.

Be ready to defend yourself as I'm coming out of the shelf

I do force myself to sleep with myself to get the job. But that's always a disappointment.

We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.

It's a kind of honour when I see how many people are imitating the style of how I make films.

The Buddha would never speak about enlightenment. The way he taught people about enlightenment was they meditated with him. He exposed them to countless views of the nagual.

Obamaism is the future of America.

Love and Self-control are the bookends of the fruit of the Spirit. Remove one of them and the rest fall over

The Kitsch consumer wants to be enchanted.