Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You could never be certain what you would find in a book that had spent time with someone else.

No matter how far away we are from each other in distance, or in time, when we look up into the clear night Sky. We will always see the same Moon.

The way a source strains toward the light, toward the air. Its laboring work, its effort, its black passageways like despair. That’s the way a poet looks for words. With muscles, gestures.

And I tend to listen to NPR when I'm not writing.

Don't be afraid to hit the ball.

I never had any classes or went to theatre school like a lot of actors, so all of my training has been on stage with different directors. That was a pretty good school room.

That economics is untrue which ignores or disregards moral values.

Nature is full for us of seeming inconsistencies and glad surprises.

When you have no money for marketing, everything you do is marketing.

Focus on how the end-user customers perceive the impact of your innovation - rather than on how you, the innovators, perceive it.