Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

Reality means you live until you die...the real truth is nobody wants reality.

When you think yourself as nothing, Then something important will begin

Rather than getting more spoilt with age, as difficulties pile up, epiphanies of gratitude abound.

This was never about the money... Don't you understand? A world without good art is a far more dangerous place than one you don't get paid for making it in.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

I shall listen to my heart and it shall save me. I shall listen to my heart and I'll be free.

It is better to speak wisdom foolishly like the saints than to speak folly wisely like the deans.

There are some very significant changes in the way the fluids are distributed in our body, the way our heart functions initially, and as well as our bone and muscle.