Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Loving passionately, loving fiercely, loving and taking both good and bad, and at times, the damn near impossible, provides sweet chaos, fueling the pitter patter of the heart...

Faulty mindset reveals a great deception regarding the destiny of every believer

The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that's probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.

Honest change? Honest? Has someone altered the definition of the word while my back was turned, or have you recently developed a sense of humor?

The political process is rough and tumble by definition, and being grounded in faith in a Higher Power has proven helpful in navigating the difficult terrain.

Fear is always with us, but we just don't have time for it. Not Now!

If you rest too long the weeds take the garden.

The person who doubts there is an external world does not need proof: he needs a cure.

It stinks of trains and that chili with the chocolate in it. Ooooh, books!" he exclaimed suddenly, making a beeline for the small library. (Al)

Consider when thou art much vexed or grieved, that man's life is only a moment, and after a short time we are all laid out dead.