Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Yet he hadn’t asked for anything that he hadn’t been willing to give himself. - Mahri

In some warped way, having an embalmed body with us made perfect sense.

But in Africa bureaucrats are usually too proud to accept a bribe, something I admire when I'm not the one being arrested.

It was body rush After body rush, intensity building. Touch me there.

To be honest and truthful in all endeavours is an experience, not a regret

We should be long past applauding politicians of any hue: they got us into this mess. The best deserve a probationary opportunity to prove themselves, the worst should be in jail.

You're all welcome in California.

Worry is most often a prideful way of thinking you have more control over life and its circumstances than you actually do

Football comes naturally to me, but basketball is a challenge, that's why I like it so much.

Not being untutored in suffering, I learn to pity those in affliction