Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

That in my left pocket I have "heaven"... doesn't mean that in my right pocket I don't have "hell".

Onde you bid farewell to discipline you day goodbye to success

A disciplined conscience is a man's best friend. It may not be his most amiable, but it is his most faithful monitor.

They're still out there talking about gun control measures, as if somehow terrorists care about what our gun laws are.

Forgive me for noting that conservatives seem to believe that the rich will work harder if we give them more, and the poor will work harder if we give them less.

I have now a library of nearly nine hundred volumes, over seven hundred of which I wrote myself.

It takes a whole lot of medicine for me to pretend I am somebody else.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all the time thing.

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.