Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Whatever am I going to do with that monster, Ryder Davis?”He gave a husky laugh. “I think you could probably just tell it to come now and it would.

You are aggressive", says the emotional abusive.

"Sorry" only counts for that which it cannot alter.

Fashion can be bought by anybody; style takes discernment, it has to do with individuality.

It is an embarrassing time to be an American. It really is. It's humiliating.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

No one is wise enough, no nation is important enough, no human interest is precious enough, to justify the wholesale destruction and murder which constitute the science of war.

Busyness makes us stop caring about the things we care about.

When addressed, a Gentleman Cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hasn't heard.

I think writing is such a great talent, and if I was better I would love to be a writer.