Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Tact is the knack of keeping quiet at the right time

That one of history’s greatest brains struggled with amo, amas, amat should be consolation to anyone who has ever tried to learn a second language.

What's measured improves

People like to say how much they like stuff, but with 'The Sunset Tree, ' people shared stories about what it meant for them. And that stuff's so humbling and amazing.

I always have my best thoughts on the toilet.

For me, books have always been a way to feel less alone while being alone.

The worst part of success is, to me, adapting to it. It's scary.

I learned that gratitude is the best feeling I would ever have, the ultimate joy of living.

"if a rock falls on another rock on the other side of the moon, how does Islam explain it?" "Who Cares?"

The central drama of our age is how the Western nations and the Asian peoples are to find a tolerable basis of co-existence.