Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

James Franco, acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing - is there anything you can do?

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Justin's fan are called Beliebers because it's politically incorrect to use the word retards.

I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but she needs a new Walker more than the 'Fast and Furious' franchise.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Sometimes I want to impersonate a fountain, but specific circumstances don't allow me to do it.

So you, too, like fruitcake? (RW on meeting Lenin in Zurich during World War I.)

You can only really get under anybody's skin if you are married to them.

It seems beyond the comprehension of people that someone can be born to draw comic strips, but I think I was. My ambition from earliest memory was to produce a daily comic strip.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

Labour is the human element which makes the fruitful seasons of the earth useful to men.

I live in a village where people still care about each other, largely.

As long as I'm in this city, I'm a lightning rod, ... People don't like me for a lot of reasons and I create all of them. I love it when they hate me. All my closest friends hate me.

A great cricketer must be an artist and express himself in his strokes.

I think you should be proud of not being worse than just deeply introverted and socially maladjusted.