Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

If He prayed who was without sin, how much more it becometh a sinner to pray!

Whether it's college or WNBA, its basketball and the more you play the less you need to adjust.

There cannot be prosperity without security.

The long words are not the hard words, it is the short words that are hard. There is much more metaphysical subtlety in the word "damn" than in the word "degeneration."

We are not just any nation.

What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Reasonable regulations regarding the ownership of weapons are appropriate.

In 1968, in the midst of the tumultuous 1960s, the Olympics were much more than just another event

I am not anti-rational, just unrational. You may infer a rational meaning in what I say or do, but it is your doing, not mine.

I think I'm making music that's pretty universal.