Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Too much action with too little intent makes for wasteful exertion of energy and the confusion between movement and progress.

Walk slowly through the world and pay attention

Demands for equality need to be as complicated as the inequalities they seek to address.

Big, sweeping life changes really boil down to small, everyday decisions.

We should find God in what we do know, not in what we don't; not in outstanding problems, but in those we have already solved.

I'd be damned if I let him see the tears in my eyes.

I have always had a need for attention but didn't plan to be a comic.

All, as they say, that glitters is not gold.

Love is a far more dangerous motive than dislike.

You can't win together if you don't work together.