Making people laugh is the lowest form of comedy.

A Madagascar Hissing Roach chasing Jerry Lewis. That would be a really neat treat.

Once you put yourself in the hands of the government, you could end up in Utah.

Life is one big minefield, and the only place that isn't a minefield is the place they make the mines.

Living well and ripping your enemy's still-beating heart out with your bare hands is the best revenge.

You only live once and, usually, not even then.

I don’t think television will ever be perfected until the viewer can press a button and cause whoever is on the screen’s head to explode.

Licorice is the liver of candy.

If there were a Mount Rushmore of American humor, Terry Southern would be the mountain they'd carve it from

The transformation scene, where man is becoming insect and insect has become at least man and beyond that - a flying, godlike, shimmering, diaphanous, beautiful creature.

Surely there must be a better gift God could have given us than life?

I always enjoy the day after a hangover. Each time it happens, it’s my own little victory over the demon drink.

We can only diffuse kindness, to the souls filled with bitterness. This is the greatest deeds to awaken their good spirit.

In prosperity friends do not leave you unless desired whereas in adversity they stay away of their own accord.

Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised.

Poetry is above all a concentration of the power of language, which is the power of our ultimate relationship to everything in the universe.

They don't want to see rap music. They don't want to see the Beastie Boys. They don't care what we're doing. They want one thing and one thing only: that's to see Madonna come on stage.

I remember devouring the entire Hardy Boys series over one summer, enthralled by their bravery and cleverness.

What you don't read is often as important as what you do read.

instant opinion is an oxymoron. You don't get real opinions in an instant. You get reactions.

Take my heart and mold it; take my mind, transform it; take my will, conform it - to Yours, to Yours, to Yours.