Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Understanding what I give up and knowing that I choose freely makes my choice more precious to me.

There aren’t enough people who care about the future. They are too busy worrying about today and what they can grab now

When you hear fear knocking on the door, most of the time when you answer it there’s nothing there. It’s just you holding yourself back.

No two people have the same reality

The experiences of life teach truth.

I think the first important thing is that usually most textbooks are not written by their authors. And so by author I mean the people who did not write them; so it's a new definition of "author."

Enemies are so stimulating.

I do what I do and u do Wat u can do about it

People think that I work out but it's all t'ai chi.

There's no love like the first.