Many a family tree needs trimming

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

I feel like looking in the mirror when you brush your teeth, yes, I see lines, and then I smile and I see things here and there. But that's just, you know, you - that's your journey, you know?

Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.

I'm not very good with drink recipes. If I'm entertaining, I like to come up with a house drink for the evening, one thing I'll make for the whole evening of the whole month.

Learn everything you can - everything. And then use all that you have learned to grow up too be a wise and good man.

If you won't believe in yourself, who will?

Celine Dion is my major inspiration.

It’s easier to look sexy when you’re thinking of one man in particular.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

Give up all ideas about yourself and simply be.