Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

To be a great success, persistently plan and have a prospective and purpose.

Be an example of small acts of kindness

Writers, like teeth, are divided into incisors and grinders.

An instructed and intelligent people are always more decent and orderly than an ignorant and stupid one.

It will be exciting to have my child share my career and to remember what I was like when I was young.

I want you forever, Kate. I want to grow old and have you here in my arms. I want children. I've wanted you for so long. I don't think that's about to change.

A noble pair of brothers. [Lat., Par nobile fratum.]

One of my best friends is Paul Rudd, and he's been in just about every one of Judd Apatow's movies.

I know what's within me even if you can't see it yet...I have something more important than courage, I have patience. I will become what I know I am.

One thing that often disrupts momentum and really shouldn't is competitors.