Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Everything is defeated before love.

Fear succeeds crime - it is its punishment.

I climb upon the highest mountains, laughing at all tragedies - whether real or imaginary.

Miserable indeed is that religious teaching which calls itself Christian, and yet contains nothing of the cross.

I just want to do everything. I don't want to sound soppy or too cliched, but that's the way it is.

My perfect girl would be pretty mad, but one you can have a conversation with. No one can be too mad for me, the madder the better. I love a crazy chick!

Yeah, it's fun to be somebody you're not, to bring a character to life.

My singing, if you want to call it that is merely another medium of expression. Just an instrument I play. That's how I see my voice.

He lives to build, not boast, a generous race; No tenth transmitter of a foolish face.

I'm a good liberal, and I grew up in a very liberal family and had very strongly held beliefs.