Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Sometimes the best way to find what you really desire in life is to stop looking for it.

Identical twins do not possess identical souls.

My mother did movies from the New Wave, but I was quite shocked I didn't know much about that period. Bernado showed us film of the demonstrations of the time.

...and he kissed her and kissed her and kissed her, little by little by little.

I feel that my fans have cultivated my talent and they continue to nurture me.

If we never met again in our lives I should feel that somehow the whole adventure of existence was justified by my having met you.

When you do a good turn you feel rich, even if you are broke.

Tokenism does not change stereotypes of social systems but works to preserve them, since it dulls the revolutionary impulse.

I love you. I honestly love you.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.