Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst end of the bargain.

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

Who wanted to be smiled at by the girl that trailed shadows like pets, conjured snakes and waited for Death, her bridegroom, to steal her from these walls?

The love of God pays no attention to my prejudices caused by my natural individuality.

Many people never grow up. They stay all their lives with a passionate need for external authority and guidance, pretending not to trust their own judgment.

I'd like to be a working actor. It sounds really trite, but there really are no small parts, only small actors. And so as long as I'm a working actor, I can improve.

Polite conservationists leave no mark save the scars upon the Earth that could have been prevented had they stood their ground.

That's because I'm made of awesome." "And dipped in awesome." "And sprinkled with awesome." "Gods, I love the taste of awesome.

I ain't got no beef with east coast, I think it's just being hyped up.

Disgust is so reassuring; it feels like a moral proof.

I know that I have balls. I have bigger balls than a lot of the men that I meet. I'm just a ballsy motherf - ker. I'm not afraid of pushing boundaries. That's what you have to do to become an icon.

A nervous breakdown waits around the corner for anyone who lets himself wallow in bitterness. Little by little, it takes over your whole being.