Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Thought precedes actions.

There was no gentle way around it - hearts would be broken, relationships would be crushed and I was the messenger.

I resolved to move just a little bit more slowly through the world, to look around myself with greater care, and to try to remain conscious of all that was going on around me at all times.

We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong.

Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Before I look stupid and not know what a word means or how to pronounce it, I'll stop the whole production, "Hey, real quick, guys. Define this word for me. Somebody."

You have to wake up every day ready to start again.

I am very confident. I look confident. I act confident. I speak in a confident way.

I feel about 18, but my mind is much more mature now, so it's a perfect combination.

Use what you have in your gym. Try to do my training program, you will lose your fat and gain muscles at the same time.