Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

If someone does not consider those around them to be valuable and hold only themselves in high regard, they too have a very bad self-esteem.

It is absolutely essential to hang in there—especially when you feel most discouraged.

Did not strong connections draw me elsewhere, I believe Scotland would be the country I would choose to end my days in.

I have a very clear vision as to what I want at the end of my prep, and then I throw it out and let the creative process take over.

Water uses itself to go beyond whatever it needs to go beyond.

I have heard Will Honeycomb say, A Woman seldom Writes her Mind but in her Postscript.

Come to the woods, for here is rest. There is no repose like that of the green deep woods.

In my day it was 75 percent car and mechanic, 25 percent driver and luck. Today it's 95 percent car.

The putter looks like a bunch of nuts and bolts welded together, but the ball goes in the hole.

How soon are we broken on the soft pillow of ease! Adam in paradise was overcome, when Job on the dunghill was a conqueror.