Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

How on earth did I get here, and where the hell are my pants?

I've always had fond memories of cooking Thanksgiving.

The human condition today is better than it's ever been, and technology is one of the reasons for that.

There's a wall between you and what you want and you got to leap it.

Keep showing up for your side of the job and give genius a chance to do its part.

To contrast national solidarity and international cooperation as two opposites seems foolish to me.

Seppuku is Japanese for ritual suicide. I thought, What a cute name for a coat.

My day begins with gratitude and joy. I look forward with enthusiasm to the adventures of the day, knowing that in my life, All is good.

Because of 'Lost,' particularly, J.J. Abrams's fans are all over his stuff.

Let's start calling family violence 'terrorism' and then maybe we will start to see that investment of funding applied to where it needs to be.