Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

I said alone!”He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

Life is all we have, the grace of service to mankind.

Shadow crawled across the floor to the yellow foam-rubber pad and climbed onto it, pulling the thin blanket over himself, and closed his eyes, and he held onto nothing, and he held onto dreams.

The idea that women don't smell fine on our own is a problem.

I feel that the Godhead is broken up like the bread at the Supper, and that we are the pieces. Hence this infinite fraternity of feeling.

What did I tell you, Mr. Pippin?' said Sam, sheathing his sword. 'Wolves won't get him. That was an eye-opener, and no mistake! Nearly singed the hair off my head!

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

Nonviolence has come among men and it will live. It is the harbinger of the peace of the world.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I think that cynicism can often be mistaken for wisdom.