Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Love can extend far beyond the people whom we know and it makes us a part of something much greater than ourselves.

She's an old soldier's woman, and she has antennae for things that often escape the officer in the field.

There is a tendency by a lot of officials to hide behind the king. And it's about time that officials take their responsibility and are responsible in front of the people.

When you meditate you discover over and over again that you are not a prisoner of your mind.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

What I do is try to stay away from the hot subjects.

He thought it might be the most intimate thing possible, to fall asleep next to someone in the afternoon.

The interesting thing about life is, there is what you think is going to happen, and what actually happens.

Narcissism as a virtue is very futuristic. Narcissism as a quality is where I think things are heading.

The most noble fate a man can endure is to place his own mortal body between his loved home and the war's desolation.