Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

When the world shifts its focus on heart over mind, we will finally experience a beautiful global garden for our children.

It's so much easier just to eat and work out than not eat and work out like crazy.

I used to drink Coke all the time. It was so good. It gives you a lot of energy.

Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.

Making war or rebellion is messy, like eating soup off a knife.

A wet dream in the mind of New York.

I'm okay with having bad dance moves. I'm okay with having horrible lower teeth. That's what makes me me, and for some reason it's worked out all right.

Climate change: We have never faced a more critical time on our planet

And this is what we called our childhoods. Little more than a dress rehearsal for adding our digits to the butcher's bill of war.

To me happiness, true happiness is when you can really dance with sad.