Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You have to pretend like you know what you’re doing before you know what you’re doing.

One who abuses his power, unaware that one day will be the victim of his own abuses

It will always take a good deal more courage to do something foolishly dangerous, when it is planned, than when it happens by surprise.

It takes more courage to be yourself than to live in the prison of ego with feelings of guilt. It takes a lot more courage to be happy than to be unhappy.

All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike someone they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

But she was not made for any man, and she will never be all mine.

Experts say that children are not born criminals, nor pampered parasites. They are made that way by the environment in which they live.

A dream shouldn't be measured by its size or scope, nor by the age or the experience of the dreamer, but rather by the passion, integrity and commitment of that dreamer to follow his or her heart

I would have Simon Cowell sing 'Shiny Happy People' by R.E.M. just to show his true personality.

You can't ask the women to do anymore. It's time for us as Black men to step up and be what we're supposed to be.