Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Things are not always what they seem

I could not break records

Don’t obsess over having the 'latest' version of a product. For there was a time that the previous version was the latest.

The man who trusts other men will make fewer mistakes than he who distrusts them.

Well, my main instrument is violin, but I think of myself as a songwriter who happens to play violin.

I wrote my first book, I published it in 1955, it was in Yiddish and it was called And The World Was Silent.

Albums are chapters. They're part of a story.

America needs fewer laws, not more prisons.

Optimism is a tool with a certain clear set of benefits: it fights depression, it promotes achievement and produces better health.

Love is the eternally burning fire in which humanity & all the world are being purified.