Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

Women want love to be a novel. Men, a short story.

Never give up just because you failed initially

A goose flies by a chart which the Royal Geographical Society could not improve.

Wisdom is the principal thing therefore get wisdom and with all thy getting get understanding.

No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.

For every leader in the company, not just for me, there are decisions that can be made by analysis. These are the best kinds of decisions!

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

Whether you are a twelve-year-old princess or a twelve-year-old regular kid, you need to know you are loved and respected.

The higher the yield, the higher the risk. A high yield is designed to attract investors. An outrageously high yield attracts fools.

Insanity comes in two basic varieties: slow and fast. I'm not talking about onset or duration. I mean the quality of the insanity, the day-to-day business of being nuts.