Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

What is in your blood matters, but not as much as what is in your heart.

I try and sit on the fence because as soon as you voice any kind of opinion, people begin to think you're an idiot.

No one wants to mother more vigilantly than a woman who is childless and wishes she wasn’t.

Theater makes working in movies or TV seem like a cake-walk.

London ... remains a man's city where New York is chiefly a woman's. London has whole streets that cater to men's wants. It has its great solid phalanx of fortress clubs.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

I guess when you go to business school you never turn business off.

Preach to yourselves the sermons which you study, before you preach them to others.

You of the West are practical in business, practical in great inventions, but we of the East are practical in religion. You make commerce your business; we make religion our business.

Without conscious and deliberate effort, inertia always wins