Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

She would keep playing the role of the winner as long as the audience believed her.

The carefully fostered theory that schoolwork can be made easy and enjoyable breaks down as soon as anything, however trivial, has to be learned.

Let us keep our mouths shut and our pens dry until we know the facts.

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

I like anybody who does any kind of construction.

We were never meant to be baby, we just happened

Just pick a political story at random and read the comments. There is no logic or reason on either side - only hypocrisy and hate.

People of character do the right thing, not because they think it will change the world but because they refuse to be changed by the world.

Music makes a quiet mind.

It's weird, how much he's noticed me... And apparently, I have not been as oblivious to him as I imagined, either.