Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Awakened at midnightby the sound of the water jarcracking from the ice

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.

It's interesting when you wind up distilling all your ambitions and your goals and dreams into one single person. It's giving that person a lot of power.

This submission to the threshold of a cross is at the very root of our following Jesus; it changes the game completely.

Too much credit is given to the end result. The true lesson is in the struggle that takes place between the dream and reality. That struggle is a thing called life!

We [he and his wife Trish Van Devere] don't talk politics. I'm an independent conservative; she's a radical Democrat. We never vote together.

The great revolution of the future will be Nature's revolt against man.

I think one remains the same person throughout, merely passing, as it were, i these lapses of time from one room to another, but all in the same house.

The beauty is that it's all a part of this wonderful dream I had in college. It's beautiful to see what it's turned into. It's the journey that I'm most proud of.

Investing is fun and exciting, but dangerous if you don't do any work.