Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

There's no way I can stop writing, it's a form of insanity.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Her weakness was aggressive and kept forcing him to capitulate until eventually he lost his strength and was transformed into the rabbit in her arms .

A tree may look as beautiful as ever; but when you notice the insects infesting it, and the tips of the branches that are brown from disease, even the trunk seems to lose some of its magnificence.

The further one separates himself from the precepts of the Christian Church, the further one distances himself from the truth. Only God can create. I make music from music.

Be wise and don't let good things crowd out those that are essential.

I never heard of anyone who was really literate or who ever really loved books who wanted to suppress any of them.

I have good hope that there is something remaining for the dead.

Experience has taught me that you cannot value dreams according to the odds of their coming true. Their real value is in stirring within us the will to aspire.

Many great ideas go unexecuted, and many great executioners are without ideas. One without the other is worthless.