Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.

A man cannot deserve adventures

While you're pregnant you're made to feel not beautiful or sexually viable. You're either sexy, or you're a mother. I didn't want to have to choose, so I challenged that.

Rule of thumb: if you think something is clever and sophisticated beware-it is probably self-indulgence.

The impact of the holocaust on believers as well as unbelievers, on Jews as well as Christians, has not yet been evaluated. Not deeply, not enough.

Live music is the cure for what ails ya.

The Jew must clearly understand one thing at once, he must get out!

Consider how wool is turned into an elegantly designed carpet by coming into contact with an intelligent person.

All thinking begins with wondering

We have to implant democracies where there are now dictatorships.