Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

As a comic, I used to know more about pop culture.

Metal is easily my favorite thing - Exodus and Anthrax and Megadeth - so it just kind of organically came through in the standup act.

Write to amuse? What an appalling suggestion! I write to make people anxious and miserable and to worsen their indigestion.

He who has conquered his own coward spirit has conquered the whole outward world

In my days and in my nights, they talk to me, your eyes!

To the dull mind all nature is leaden. To the illumined mind the whole world burns and sparkles with light.

The right of parents to direct the upbringing of their children is among the unalienable rights with which the Declaration of Independence proclaims 'all Men are endowed by their Creator.'

If there is a God, he is within. You don't ask God to give you things, you depend on God for your inner theme.

I feel like my secret magic trick that separates me from a lot of my peers is the bravery to be vulnerable and truthful and honest.

If you gave me a choice between being married and being a baseball player, that's a no-brainer. I would be married any day. I just love it.

You've got to be taught to be afraid Of people whose eyes are oddly made And people whose skin is a different shade.

I read an interview with Mark Wahlberg, and he was like, ‘I might read a script and love it, but it’s all about the filmmaker.’ I think that’s a good lesson for me.