Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Every day is a blank canvas to use our free will to create something beautiful for our Creator.

I am constantly preoccupied with how to remove distance so that we can all come closer together, so that we can all begin to sense we are the same, we are one.

The key is to be honest. Be honest, but don't play yourself.

I'm the least sexy person in real life.

The dream for any parent is you want to raise happy, healthy, responsible, compassionate, kind kids. We all have a responsibility to do that.

My advice to any young person at the beginning of their career is to try to look for the mere outlines of big things with their fresh, untrained and unprejudiced mind.

I have not seen the National League enough to know.

In these days there is no time to pray; but without time, and a lot of it, we shall never learn to pray.

As soon as you put an actor to a person who is real, that person comes to life through another person.

If I had a rain prayer or a rain dance I could do, I would do it.