Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

A lack of real love for ourselves is one of the most constricting, painful conditions we can know.

Sin is the only heritage of the natural man...

You should never wish for wishful thinking.

Religious faith indeed relates to that which is above us but it must arise from that which is within us.

But when I first fell in love with the piano, I knew it was me. I was dying to play.

Dont spoil reputation with too speaking.

At the extreme north, the voyagers are obliged to dance and act plays for employment.

Why should I stop working? If I do, I'll die and it'll all be finished.

It is higher and nobler to be kind.

Lovely flowers are the smiles of god's goodness.