Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

The madder it makes you, the harder you need to laugh at it.

Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard-fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter.

Latin life is rich with warmth, family values and history. I want to bring that beauty into American homes.

And I really believe that. Asthma is NOT a disability!

These are the roots of trees, O monks, these are empty huts. Meditate, monks, do not be negligent, or else you will regret it later. This is our instruction to you.

I declare a holy war, my Moslem brothers! Murder the Jews! Murder them all.

I'm a little more goofy than I think people give me credit for. I like to have fun. I like to have a good time. People don't always get to see that.

On Sanjay and Craig, Ive had a number of chances to work with Chris Hardwick, and that is so much fun.

We must be alarmingly enterprising, and we must be startlingly original, and do new and striking things which constitute a revolution.