Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Even ivory towers need central heating.

Using someone else’s ruler to measure your self-worth will always leave you short.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

You really can't be a good artist if you can't say what you really feel. And people may be offended, but, you know, that's how you feel, and that is your right, and that is your gift as well.

So mightiest powers buy deepest calms are fed, And sleep, how oft, in things that gentlest be!

I am an aggressive style boxer and I will be in there to mix it up, but it's going to be in a smart way.

When you're reading Thoreau you look at Hollywood differently, let me tell ya!

As Agatha Swanburne once said, 'To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

Marriage like government is a series of compromises. One must give and take, repair and restrain, endure and be patient.

All those who slight me to my face, Or do me any other evil, Even if they blame or slander me, May they attain the fortune of enlightenment!