Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

God alone can finish.

Sorrow is a fruit. God does not allow it to grow on a branch that is too weak to bear it.

Father forgive us, for we do not what we know.

What is a well-chosen collection of pictures, but walls hung round with thoughts?

China is completely lacking in self-awareness and as someone who has stepped outside that society, I have a responsibility to write about it as I see it.

Every time I go to Comic-Con, I'm jacked. I want to dress up and walk the floor and answer questions, because I'm excited about it. It's like making new friends.

Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain.

I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me

Sunday is the core of our civilization, dedicated to thought and reverence.

I don't hear any of the popular stuff unless it's good 'cause I pay no attention to popular culture, at all.