Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

The Sun would have wasted its life but for the evolution of life on earth. The one who gives should be grateful to the one who receives.

Out of the ugliness of the ironworks lepers will eat, children will be born, their parents will grow old.

It ain't a party til something gets broken.

The Affordable Care Act is no longer affordable.

When doing everything according to indications, although things may not turn out agreeably to indication, we should not change to another while the original appearances remain.

I don't break the law* made for crooks, when I take away my own property - thus I am not obliged to conform to the law made for murderers when I deprive myself of my own life.

I'm trying to find a man to share my life with, but it's not been easy. I'm a 35-year-old woman with two small children.

My memorization skills aren't that great so I need help in that area. As far as everything else, I listen to the director. I'm someone who doesn't argue. I hit my marks and say the lines.

I can't really describe a trick as much as I just feel it.

There is nothing that you cannot do.