Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

No man is above the law, and no man is below it.

Never misconceive that which is real

We change ideas like neckties.

The self-despisers are less intent on their own increase than on the diminution of others. Where self-esteem is unobtainable, envy takes the place of greed.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.

For Indians, images are a means of celebrating mystery and not a manner of explaining it

We need a self because the complexity of the chemical processes that make up our individual humanities exceeds the processing power of our brains.

Eros harrows my heart: wild gales sweeping desolate mountains, uprooting oaks.

You try to go where the great scripts are, if you can, or you go where the not great scripts are, because that's what's being offered to you.