Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

A dead Christ I must do everything for

Take charge of your life and multiply it. Be in control of your life and your time.

Don't try to nice your way out of this. It's insulting.

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

Our national motto is 'In God we Trust, ' reminding us that faith in our Creator is the most important American value of all.

When you think of Buddhism, you're likely to think of peace and tranquility.

I don't host a show and go, 'Have you got my best angle?'

Art is a form of play rejoicing before the face of God.

Getting married and really digging in with another human being can point out your greatest strengths and your greatest weaknesses.

Our image has undergone change from David fighting Goliath to being Goliath.