Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Friends are the real superheroes. They battle our worst enemies—loneliness, grief, anxiety, depression, fear, and doubt—every time they come around.

One thing—one thing exceeds the eternity of the star, he cries, and that is the dark which surrounds it.

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

We, animal and human, come to this time and space to have an experience embedded with our own divine purpose.

I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend.

Fear and faith have a lot in common. Both of these emotions require that you believe in something that you can't see.

My videos always involve some idea of a human being in a unusual situation-and what happens.

I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading!

I've been in on the beginning, the rise, peak, collapse and end of the talking picture.

Don't lose sight of user delight.