Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Pride? What are you talking about?” “You wear your independence like a badge of honor. Bound and determined to allow no man to take care of you.

It's good to have some certainty in life, even if it's only that I'm in deep trouble.

The drunk kids, the catholics They're all about the same They're waiting for something Hoping to be saved

If you want a lot of visual humor, the way to do it is have visual people do it.

Do not carry with you your mistakes. Do not carry your cares. Travel on alone. Like an elephant in the forest.

Someone wake me when it's over When the evening silence softens golden Just lay me on bed of dover Oh, I need help with this burden "Hush

There are very few good judges of humor, and they don't agree.

There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.

[Elijah Wood] has got such a broad outlook. It's so much bigger than just the acting industry.

Becoming pretty doesn't just change the way you look," she said. "No," David said. "It changes the way you think.