Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

While death and darkness girdle meI grope for immortality.

Over a seven year span, only 10% of college slaying remained in place.

You can choose what you believe, Shuffler, but you can't change what's true.

The mole can't live in your dollhouse.

The best jokes on The Leftovers are the ones that make you feel a little sick to your stomach.

Elizabeth Taylor was never told what to wear or paid to carry a certain handbag.

The principal thing in this world is to keep one's soul aloft.

Engineers turn dreams into reality.

Transsexualism itself is a deeply moral question rather than a medicaltechnical answer.

I still have room to improve ... there are things I could do better.