Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

He stood at the entrance to the kitchen, blocking my path to the front door like the Berlin Wall. -- Least Wanted

Sometimes I think gravity may be death in disguise. Other times I think gravity is love, which is why love's only demand is that we fall.

You don't enter a dance studio and say "I can't do that." If you do, then why are you in the studio in the first place?

We felt it was very important for an entity like CCTV to make its presence felt... To generate a space and to define a space, that is the main thing.

When any person suffers for someone in greater need, that person is a human.

Morality in government begins with officials using words as honestly as possible to describe the truth.

I am the least racist person there is.

A meal without mushrooms is like a day without rain.

Of what does politics consist except the making of imperfect decisions, many of them unjust and quite a few of them deadly?

Being born he have himself as our Companion, Eating with us he gave himself as Food, Dying He became our Ransom, Reigning he gives himself as our Reward