Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Baby, you must dance to the music of your soul!

EXPECTATION If, from time to time, you give up expectation, you will be able to perceive what it is you are getting.

Forgiveness is no easy task

My self-esteem is Teflon coated, baby.

A literary movement consists of five or six people who live in the same town and hate each other cordially.

What's so amazing about this historical moment is that it is bringing class to the fore and we have to think about the nature of work and hierarchy.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Our enemies are a radical network of terrorists - and every government that supports them.

How long will it be before the cry goes up: "Let's kill all the judges"?

Vice is man's nature: virtue is a habit--or a mask.