Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

What can I say Rango? What can I do to prove to you that I belong to you?

I've never felt any particular desire to be married.

People tend to like an athlete's performance, but if you don't get a feeling for the individual, you're not very emotive about them.

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

I'm always conscious of the fact that I am part of a profession that is 80% permanently unemployed. So, to be working in any sense is to be privileged.

I believe in magic, psychics and all that.

I try to go to the gym three to four times a week and mix it up with yoga or a personal trainer.

God is not the Creator, He is creativity. Creativity is His being. He has always been creating.

The Republican Party was just as scared of the Tea Party as the Democrats were. We just didn't know it at the time.

Discrimination, in all its forms, is bad for business.