Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

My Master had power and law on his side

A writer is a messenger for the subconscious.

We’ve been trapped in here, away from civilisation. We’re wasting our lives away, waiting for something. But nothing’s happened, and nothing is going to happen unless we help ourselves.

A president cannot meaningfully honor certain token artists while the people at large are so dishonored.'”

I'm a hopeless romantic, I say very loudly and proudly. I get a lot of stick for it.

Society can progress if men's labors show a profit - if they yield more than is put in. To produce at a loss must leave less for all to share.

I believe in red meat. I often said: red meat and gin.

Wise men change, fools stay the same.

It is time to understand the environment for what it is: the national security issue of the early twenty-first century.

Without ships, we cannot live.