Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I was feeling rational and restless, which is horrible for watching movies

One of the over-riding things for many who grow up in poverty is the simple desire to escape. I think it was sort of obvious to me that escape had to be through education.

I've had to write in a different way because I'm not in a bad place and I'm not heartbroken, so there's no one I want revenge on.

A friend, even if he be the enemy's son , should be protected.

Not everyone gets a happily every after. Life is real and sometimes it's ugly and you just have to learn how to cope.

We talk a great deal about Russia today, and I'm afraid that in twenty years, we and Russia will be more similar than different.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Small pictures since the Renaissance are like novels; large pictures are like dramas in which one participates in a direct way.

I am dead. Only vengeance can restore me! Only victory can return my life to me!