Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

What if business was the adventure of living?

Race doesn't determine the quality of one's heart

A rock star does not age!

Have nothing to do with coaches. In fact, if you should see one coming, go and hide behind the pavilion until he goes away.

Go where you are wanted and stray from where you aren't. Surround yourself with positive people and environments.

Science is knowledge which we understand so well that we can teach it to a computer; and if we don't fully understand something, it is an art to deal with it.

I like to say that I had a really good musical education because it was inclusive of all styles of music and I like it like that.

A verbal threat is the most authentic certificate of impotence.

Why is the rest of the world so overcrowded? Nobody lives in America! We're all squashed up on top of each other in London.

The attempt to remove evil from the world by killing a thousand evil - doers, only adds to the evil in the world.